Differences in Grieving Styles
While there are similarities in grieving styles, no two people grieve the same way. It can be especially difficult if your partner’s grief looks different than your own. How we grieve depends on our upbringing, beliefs, gender, and past experiences. In their book Men Don’t Cry, Women Do, Drs. Martin and Doka, experts in grief, explain grieving styles as “patterns” along a “continuum.” They use the terms “intuitive griever” and “instrumental griever” to explain how people may express their grief. Women tend to fall under the “intuitive griever” category while men tend to be “instrumental grievers.” Individuals may fall on one end of the spectrum or be blended within the continuum.
Intuitive Griever
The intuitive griever tends to be more emotional, centered on feelings, and expressive of feelings. They often express their emotions through crying, both in private and in the company of others. Intuitive grievers cope by expressing their emotions, whether that means talking about their feelings or crying openly. Talking about grief can be therapeutic and natural for intuitive grievers, and many find support groups to be very helpful.
Instrumental Grievers
Instrumental grievers tend to feel their grief more physically than emotionally. They may feel their grief in the pit of their stomach or as tightness in their chest. They often cope with their grief by doing physical activities or problem-solving. Instrumental grievers need physical ways to express their grief and are often reluctant to share or talk about how they feel. They tend to seek solitude to process their thoughts and are often reluctant to express their feelings in public. Support groups may not be helpful for Instrumental Grievers and may do better with one-on-one conversations. Instrumental grievers often use humor to cope with grief and tend to avoid their feelings.
Blended Grievers
Not everyone falls at one end of the spectrum when it comes to grieving. Blended grievers may exist at any point along the continuum of grieving styles.
Take some time to reflect on your own grieving style and encourage your partner to do the same. Recognize that each of your needs are unique and valid. Respecting each other’s needs and being patient with one another is important when learning to grieve together.
It’s important to understand that if your partner’s grieving style differs from your own, it does not mean that they are not grieving. It also does not mean that they are grieving incorrectly. Talk with each other about how you grieve and how you can support each other. Consider conversation starters using the emotion wheel to process your grief together. If you are having difficulty communicating with your partner, or if you and/or your partner need additional support, consider attending therapy to learn how to cope with your loss.