Unfortunately, one in four pregnancies end in perinatal loss in the United States every year. Perinatal loss is the death of a fetus or neonate. Perinatal loss may happen early in the pregnancy, which is known as miscarriage (before 20 weeks gestation), or later in the the pregnancy, which is called stillbirth (after 20 weeks gestation). Other types of perinatal loss include life-limiting congenital anomalies, termination of pregnancy, and neonatal death.
Perinatal loss is a very personal experience. Often parents will feel many intense and conflicting emotions. Confusion, anger, sadness, and grief are all common emotions parents may feel. Some parents, such as parents experiencing early miscarriage who were not aware they were pregnant, may not experience intense emotions with perinatal loss. There are no right or wrong emotions to experience with perinatal loss. Each parent responds differently to their loss.
Perinatal loss is best described as a paradox.
A paradox is something that seems to contradict itself, or an idea that seems so absurd it cannot be true despite evidence to the contrary. When looking a multiple research studies about parents who have experienced perinatal loss, we found that perinatal loss is best explained as a paradox to those who have never had this experienced. For example, someone who has never experienced perinatal loss may think that a parent who learns they miscarried at 10 weeks won’t have an emotional response to lose someone they never knew. When in reality, it may be a very emotional experience they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
Parents may have a deeply emotional response to losing a child they never met, potentially for years following their loss. Others may think that parents who carry a pregnancy complicated by a life-limiting diagnosis will stop grieving when the pregnancy ends. Others still may think that parents may wish they never got pregnant with their child diagnosed with a life-limiting anomaly. However, many parents have expressed their experience made them stronger people, that they would never give up their experience, and that their experiences, while sad, were also filled with joy and love. Additionally, parents commonly grieve deeply for years following perinatal loss.
Another common misconception is that parents don’t want to talk about their loss because it is too painful. Contrary to this assumption, parents frequently express their desire to talk about their child and wish others would allow them to talk about the baby or pregnancy they lost.
Ultimately, assumptions of how a parent “should” feel or what parents “should” want following perinatal loss may be very emotionally damaging. Rather than assuming what parents are feeling, or what you think parents “should” be feeling, keeping an open mind and asking gentle questions may be less harmful. Asking parents if they are okay or if they want to talk about their baby, and respecting their response, is often the best course of action. Simply being aware that you do not know what they are going through, unless you yourself have experienced perinatal loss, may prevent hurtful misunderstandings.
If you would like to know more about helpful or harmful ways to talk to parents, click HERE. If you are a grieving parent and would like suggestions on how to navigate conversations with others, click HERE.