When talking with parents who have or are experiencing perinatal loss, there are helpful ways to communicate and unhelpful ways. Here are a few examples of helpful versus unhelpful statements.
Helpful Statements:
Allowing parents to feel their emotions can be very helpful. Statements which allow parents to feel include, “you seem confused and angry,” “it sounds like you are feeling a lot of pain,” and “tell more more about how you’re feeling.” When you invite parents to share their pain with you, be present and truly listen to what they are telling you.
Non-judgmental questions may be very helpful to parents. Examples include, “when can I bring your family a meal?” “Are you going to have a funeral?” and “Do you want to talk?”
No one can understand what a parent is going through following perinatal loss, including partners. Each person’s journey is unique and personal. Asking for clarification to avoid a misunderstanding can be very helpful. Gently asking questions such as, “correct me if I’m wrong, but are you planning on making all the arrangements?” “Am I understanding correctly that you are blaming yourself?” or even saying, “I’m not sure I understand, can you tell me more?” may be very helpful.
Remembering that a parent’s grief may persist for years is also important. Anniversaries of the due date, birthdate, or diagnosis date can be very difficult and emotional. Asking parents questions such as, “your son/daughter’s birthday is close, that must be very painful,” or “your son/daughter would have been starting school this year, how are you feeling?” remind parents that someone remembers and cares about the child they lost and dearly love.
Perhaps the most important thing to remember when someone you know experiences perinatal loss is that being present and listening is very helpful. Continuing to check in on parents and being available to listen will likely be very appreciated by grieving parents.
Unhelpful Statements:
Offering advice may be unhelpful or even hurtful to a grieving parent. Avoid suggestions such as, “you should get out more,” “it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself,” or “your family needs to you be strong for them.”
We all seek answers and meaning in our experiences. However, it’s important to avoid inserting your own meaning or interpretation onto someone else’s experience. Statements such as, “it’s God’s will,” “it’s better now that he/she is at peace,” or “you weren’t meant to have this baby,” can be very hurtful to parents are and best avoided.
While we all want to reassure parents, sometimes it’s better to listen than to offer reassurance. Avoid saying, “it’s for the best,” “everything will work out,” “God never gives you more than you can handle,” or “I know how you feel.”
Parents experiencing perinatal loss go through many emotions. Feelings of anger, regret, blame, and deep sadness are very common. Avoid arguing with parents. Rather than letting parents know what is and is not acceptable to say, worry about what is or is not helpful for you to say. Avoid statements such as, “how could you say that?” “How could you feel that?” “You should be glad the suffering is over,” or “it’s wrong to blame anyone.”
Ignoring a parent’s grief, loss, and pain is also very unhelpful and often very hurtful. Statements that minimize or ignore grief include, “it could be worse, your child could have lived with severe brain damage,” or “you’re young and can have another baby.”