Meaning & Memories

“In some ways suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.” This statement by Victor Frankl, an Austrian neuropsychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, speaks to the significance and universality of meaning to human kind. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Frankl discusses the power of meaning to our wellbeing, stating, “he who has a ‘why’ to live can bear almost any ‘how’.”

Frankl realized the profound impact of finding meaning in one’s circumstances during his time in Nazi death camps. He argued that while avoiding suffering is impossible, we can cope with any depth of suffering by finding meaning in our situation. “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” By choosing his attitude, Frankl survived the atrocities of multiple concentration camps that killed thousands of others. Through finding meaning, Frankl not only survived his profound suffering, but maintained his sanity and eventually lead a very rewarding life following the end of World War II. “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

Sadly, perinatal loss is a profoundly sad situation that cannot be changed. Like Frankl, many parents have found comfort in the meaning and memories they created amidst their suffering following perinatal loss. One woman shared with me, “We took him everywhere that we would want to take him when he was born. We took him when he was inside me. And those memories will keep me going forever.” Another woman shared, “I did whatever I could while we were pregnant to create those memories.” Creating meaningful memories is a powerful step in the journey towards healing.

Symbolism is also very powerful and meaningful. “Any time we went somewhere we would collect a rock from that place, my son and I. We would collect rocks and bring them to the cemetery. It would symbolize [to us that] she got to be a part of those experiences.” Rainbows, butterflies, and yes, poppies, have all become symbols of the love and joy that parents and families have created with and around their child. Deliberately creating positive memories and symbols can be a very powerful venture for families experiencing perinatal loss.

Taking time to reflect upon and discuss what types of memories, activities, symbols, or rituals you would like to create as a family can be a very fulfilling experience. Journals, photographs, letters, artwork, vacationing, volunteering, baking, and reading aloud are among the endless list of meaningful activities families can do together. I invite you to take time individually and as a family to make a list of meaningful activities and experiences you would like to do to create memories.

Meaning and memories can be created after the completion of the pregnancy as well. Whether your pregnancy was carried to term or not, whether you are currently pregnant or not, finding meaning and making memories can be a very powerful experience. If you would like to share meaningful memories you and your family were able to create, please feel free to share in the comments below.