Children are resilient. Children are intuitive. Children deserve far more credit than we give them. Talking about death to your child can be challenging, daunting, emotional, and terrifying. There are ways you can talk to your child/children about death, help them grieve, include them in your grief, and heal as a family.
Use the acronym C.H.I.L.D.
C – Consider:
Remember that each child is unique. CONSIDER your child’s age, developmental level, and capacity to understand complex, abstract thoughts like death. Also consider the relationship your child had with their sibling. The conversation will need to be tailored to your child depending on these things.
H – Honesty:
It’s best to be straight forward with your child. Use the “D” word, died, death and avoid euphemisms such as, “they just went to sleep.” Children understand things quite literally and may fear that they will go to sleep and never wake up.
Remember that it’s okay not to have all the answers. If your child asks “why,” it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.”
I – Involve:
Involve your child to whatever capacity they desire. Let them be the judge of how involved they want to be. Some children want to hold, bathe, dress, and interact with their sibling. Others may wish to be present but in the background, while others yet may not wish to be in the room. Offer your child choices and respect their decisions.
Children need a role model. Involve your child in your own grief appropriately. Let them see you cry. Many parents have found powerful bonding moments when they allow their child to share in their own grief. Just remember that your child is not a therapist, so allow them to be part of your grief without putting all your grief upon them.
Involve your child/children in rituals, such as a funeral or memorial service (if you choose to have one) or memorial rituals in the years after. Rituals such as collecting and painting rocks from places of travel, planting a special flower each Spring, or releasing butterflies annually can be a helpful way for families to bond and keep the memory of their child alive.
L – Listen:
“Play” is the language of children. There are many games you can play as a family to you’re your child express their feelings and grief. Encourage your child to express their grief. They may express grief through talk, play, or art.
- Activities can be help children grieve and heal.
- Games are a healing way to help children grieve.
- Crafts can be a fun, healing activity for the whole family.
D – Do it Again
Experiment with a few approaches to helping your child express their grief. When you find something that works, do it again. If you find something that doesn’t work, give yourself some grace and move on to the next activity.