How you can help
Unless you have experienced perinatal loss yourself, there is no comparison to the grief parents feel. It can be difficult to relate and you may not know how to best respond to a loved one experiencing perinatal loss. If you are reading this, thank you for making the effort to learn more about how you can support your loved one(s) during one of the most difficult times of their life.
What is perinatal loss?
Perinatal loss is the death of a fetus or neonate between conception and 28 days after birth. Perinatal loss can happen from miscarriage, stillbirth, from a severe birth defect, or even for reasons unknown. There are a few important things to understand about perinatal loss.
Perinatal loss is a unique experience for each individual. Everyone responds differently, experiences grief differently, and walks a unique path towards healing. It may be a very turbulent journey, with overt expressions of grief, or a silent journey, with little to no outward expression of grief.
Perinatal loss is a paradoxical experience. Parents often feel seemingly conflicting emotions, such as joy and sorry, grief and gratitude, anger and love. You may not understand how or why your loved ones are feeling what they are, and that’s okay. It’s not about understanding what or why they are feeling, but recognizing that they need your love and support in the feelings they are experiencing.
The grief of perinatal loss does not depend on the type of loss or length of pregnancy. It’s easy to assume that early pregnancy loss is less emotionally impactful than later pregnancy loss. In reality, it’s not the length of pregnancy or type of loss that impacts a parent’s grief, but the attachment they have formed to their baby. Research shows that both parents can form a bond with their baby even before they become pregnant. When a pregnancy ends in loss, the hopes and dreams parents had for their baby have also died. Therefore, the intensity of parents’ grief depends on their attachment to their baby, not how long they were pregnant of what type of loss (i.e., miscarriage, stillbirth, etc.) they experienced.
You play an important role in parents’ healing journey. Research has found that there is a strong link between social support and healing in grief. The more supportive an individual’s social circle, the better they are able to learn to live with their grief. Unfortunately, the inverse is also true. Parents who do not have a strong support system, or whose social circle is unsupportive, can develop complicated or intense grief. Examples of being supportive include acknowledging their loss and its emotional impact, being present, and listening to their story. Kind gestures such as bringing flowers or meals can also be meaningful. It’s important to let parents know they are loved and not to pressure them to return to normal or hide their grief.
Perinatal loss is a life-long journey of grief. One father explained a misconception of perinatal grief, stating, “it’s not like a book, with a beginning and an end. The end doesn’t come. The grief changes, but it doesn’t end.” Parents’ grief may never go away. They need a supportive environment so they can learn how to live with and in their grief. Simply allowing parents to be sad or cry about their loss, or to listen to them talk about their baby, can be a powerful step towards healing. As time passes, remembering the baby with the parents can have a positive impact. Remembering milestones, such as holidays, birthdays or due dates, or the first day of Kindergarten may be very meaningful to parents. The parents haven’t forgotten that their baby died or how old their baby would be on each birthday. Letting them know that there is someone else in the world who also remembers can be very powerful.