Grief is work. There’s no way around it. Living with grief after perinatal loss may seem overwhelming and impossible. You are not alone. The good news is that what you’re feeling is normal, and that with time, you will learn how to walk beside your grief rather than be crushed by it.
Grief is not a linear process. There’s no formula to make you “better” after experiencing perinatal loss. While each parent walks their own unique path, each path can lead to healing.
Dr. Worden, an expert on grief, explains the process of healing from grief as ‘work.’ As a person works through their grief, there are specific ‘tasks’ to focus on. There’s no specific order to working through the tasks of grieving, but it is necessary to work on each task in order to heal.
Accept the Reality of the Loss
To heal in your grief, you must accept and acknowledge that your loss occurred. Pretending it didn’t happen, ignoring the truth, and denying the reality of loss may dull the pain initially, but in the long run it will cause greater pain. While it may be difficult to fully acknowledge that the loss did occur, accepting the reality of the loss is necessary to let healing begin.
Experience the Pain of Grief
Grief is painful. Feeling the pain of grief is part of the healing process. Without allowing ourselves to feel the pain of grief, we cannot work through the emotions of grief. However, sometimes the pain of grief is the only tangible connection we have to the one we lost, especially with perinatal loss. Sometimes parents don’t want to let go of their pain, or they feel guilty letting go of their pain. Processing and healing in grief does not mean you are forgetting your baby. It means you are learning how to make the grief and loss a healthy part of your life. To work through the tasks of grief, we must not only allow ourselves to feel the pain of grief, but allow ourselves to heal in the pain of grief.
Adjust to a World without the Deceased
The loss of a baby or pregnancy requires parents to learn how to adjust to a new world, a world in which their hopes and dreams of their future child are no longer a reality. Parents often do not know how to adjust to this new reality. Others may find themselves feeling ‘stuck.’ They may feel guilty about ‘moving on’ or that they are betraying the memory of their baby.
Adjustment takes time. It’s possible to adjust to the new reality in a healthy way. To adjust to this new reality, it may be helpful to explore some of the following ‘adjustments’:
Internal Adjustments. Parents often experience an identity crisis, especially when their loss is that of their first child. As you work through questions of “internal adjustment,” it can be helpful to journal or talk to a friend or spouse. It can be very helpful to talk through these questions with a therapist as well. Consider the following journaling/conversation prompts:
- Who am I now?
- What is my identity as a parent?
- How has this impacted my self-esteem?
- What have I noticed that is different about me now?
- What have others noticed that is different about me?
- Who would I like to be?
Journaling or poetry exercises may be very helpful in adjusting to this new world. Click HERE for a webinar on how to use poetry to heal in grief.
Spiritual Adjustments. Perinatal loss often requires us to make spiritual adjustments as we attempt to understand our new reality. Questions such as, “how could God let this happen” are common with perinatal loss. Some parents find themselves feeling closer to God, while others find they are angry with God or feel God betrayed them. Many feel that life is not fair, that the world is not fair. It can be hard to understand how ‘bad things happen to good people.’ All these spiritual questions are normal. Each individual must learn how to cope with and understand how they relate to the world and to a higher power following perinatal loss.
Some parents find strength in faith or a faith community, while others lose faith. Neither path is right or wrong. What is important is working through your own spiritual understanding as you learn to adapt to the world without your baby. Talking through existential questions such as these with a friend, a spouse, or a therapist can be very helpful. Journaling and poetry can be helpful tools in processing spiritual questions.
Finding an Enduring Connection
Severing all memories, ties, or connections to your baby is not healthy. Well-meaning individuals may advise you to “move on” and “forget” about your experience. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting. You can continue to have a spiritual relationship with your baby in whatever way you find is helpful.
The 4th task of grief is to find an enduring connection with your baby. This may be through symbolism, rituals, photographs, or any number of ways. Some parents write letters to their baby, others plant a special flower every Spring. Some families collect and paint rocks every time they go on a trip and put that rock on a grave site. Some parents have conversations with their baby after they are gone. Others purchase or make an ornament to go on the Christmas tree every year. Some families volunteer or participate in memorial walks. There are many meaningful ways to keep the memory of your baby alive. Finding your way to continue your connection with your baby is a powerful step in the journey of healing.