Unless you have also experienced perinatal loss, it is impossible to understand what parents are going through. As a society, we are uncomfortable talking about death, especially when it’s the death of a baby or a fetus. Our common response is to ignore and avoid thinking or talking about perinatal loss. Unfortunately, this response may be very hurtful to grieving parents. There are a few important things to remember when someone you know experiences perinatal loss.
Just LISTEN. Simply listening to someone, with out talking, without offering your personal opinion, can be very difficult for a lot of people. Many grieving parents just need someone to listen to them talk. They might want to talk about nothing, they might want to talk about everything. Being available to just listen may be very powerful and helpful to parents.
NEVER ASSUME: Never assume you know how the person is doing, feeling, or what they are thinking. Parents feel tremendous pressure to be strong. Just because a parent may appear not to be grieving does not mean they are not grieving or deeply struggling. This is especially true with men.
In many societies, men are expected to be strong and stoic. Such expectations make it difficult for fathers to express their grief or receive the help they need. Fathers also feel pressure to be strong for their partner, and may ignore their own needs. In my dissertation study, one father I spoke with said I was the first person he had ever told his story to start to finish. His daughter died 12 years before we spoke.
Very little research has explored grief in non-traditional families, such as same-sex partnerships. The best rule of thumb is not to assume you know what someone is going through.
Another damaging assumption is that parents’ grief will end when the pregnancy ends. This is very, very rarely true. More commonly, parents grieve for many years after their loss. I’ve spoken with parents who are still grieving 40 years after their loss.
ASKING is the best policy. It’s better to ask than assume, and it’s so much better to ask than remain silent. Simply asking a grieving parent how they are doing can be very meaningful to parents. If you ask, be genuine. There’s a difference between asking in passing, “hey, how’s it going?” and continuing on walking, and genuinely asking, “how are you doing?”
Ask parents if they want to talk about what they are going through, or if they want to talk about the little one they lost. So many parents I have talked to said they wish people would let them talk about their child, but could tell no one was willing to listen.
HONESTY is the best policy. There are no road maps to help parents navigate perinatal loss. Similarly, there are no road maps to help friends and families support parents in their loss. The unfortunate truth is that, though well meaning, people often say hurtful things to parents following perinatal loss.
Be honest with yourself as well. Unless you have experienced perinatal loss, and even if you have, you probably don’t know what a parent needs in their grief. That’s okay. We cannot read minds, we are not omniscient. Recognizing that you may unintentionally say something hurtful, and acknowledging to yourself that you don’t know what’s best for a grieving parent, is the first step in being helpful to those you want to help.
Honest statements such as, “I don’t know what you need, but I want to be here for you. Please let me know how I can help,” or, “If I say something hurtful, I really don’t mean to. Please tell me if I come off as insensitive,” are a great place to start. Remember not to be insulted if a parent says you’ve hurt their feelings. Don’t take it personally. Ask how you can avoid making insensitive mistakes in the future. Remember, it’s about helping those who are grieving. They are the focus.
HURTFUL statements to avoid: It’s difficult to know what to say to someone who has lost a pregnancy or baby. Unfortunately, well-meaning attempts to sooth parents’ grief are often very hurtful. There are several statements people commonly say to parents that should be avoided.
Statements that begin with, “at least…” are best avoided. “At least you are young and can try again.” “At least you have a living child.” “At least you have your health.” All these things, though well-meaning, minimize what parents are going through. These statements are essentially saying, “you still have good things in your life, you shouldn’t be so upset.” Whether or not you agree that these statements are hurtful, the fact is that they are. Avoiding “at least” statements is the best policy.
For more examples of helpful versus hurtful statements, click HERE.
“Let me be miserable.” We want to be able to make people feel better. However, when we try to help grieving parents cheer up, we are sending a message to them that they need to stop grieving. Perinatal loss may be very emotionally traumatic, and many parents develop posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Perinatal loss goes beyond simply being sad, and trying to help people cheer up is rarely helpful. Allow parents to be sad. Let them cry, let them be angry.