Perinatal grief is different from other types of grief, such as the grieving the death of a spouse, parent, or even an older child. Perinatal loss is often a silent loss. No one wants to admit that a baby can die. By not talking about perinatal loss, those who have not experienced perinatal loss can pretend like it doesn’t happen. Unfortunately, that means that parents are often left alone in their grief, pressured into silence by those around them.
Healing after perinatal loss is possible. While the grief will never go away, parents learn how to live with their grief. Because perinatal loss is such a unique experience, learning how to live with perinatal grief can be confusing. There are healthy ways to cope with loss and begin a path towards healing.
Unfortunately, society holds very specific expectations of how a parent should grieve after perinatal loss. This is because society in general does not understand perinatal loss. Social expectations of grief often cause parents more pain in their grief, leaving them feeling isolated and alone.
Emotions of Grief
Many parents feel confused by the emotions they feel after perinatal loss. Emotions such as anger, jealousy, love, fear, and numbness are all normal.
Just like there are many types of grief, there are many emotions that flow through grief. Many people think of grief as being sad, but grief is much more complex than just being sad. Feeling angry, jealous, lonely, anxious, or depressed is common in grief. It may be difficult to feel happy for other people who become pregnant or have a healthy child. These feelings are all normal after losing a baby, they do not make you a bad person. Understanding the many emotions you may feel in your grief is a helpful step on the journey of healing after loss.
Timeline of Grief
Everyone experiences grief in their own way, in their own time. In the immediate days and weeks after loss, it may feel like you’re never going to be able to function again. As time goes on, you will learn how to live with your grief. If you’re still feeling like the weight of your grief is too much to bear months after your loss, you may want to talk to someone about what you’re feeling.
Complicated Grief
Sometimes parents experience ‘complicated’ grief, a response which results in significant functional limitations. With help and support, it is possible to heal from complicated grief.
While grief is a natural human response to losing someone you love, sometimes parents experience something called ‘complicated’ or ‘intense’ grief following perinatal loss. Because perinatal loss is such a devastating experience, up to 60% of parents experience symptoms of trauma for years after their loss. It is possible to heal following loss. To heal, it’s important to know what complicated grief looks like. If you’re experiencing any of the following, it’s important to talk to someone:
- Significant change in eating or sleeping habits
- Significant change in weight
- Feeling that life has no meaning or purpose
- Inability to accept the loss
- Isolating yourself from others
- Inability to carry out your daily routine
- Wishing you died with your baby
If you relate to one or more of the items listed above, please call your healthcare team and tell them what you are feeling. Here are some additional resources: